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What a superbowl party is really like

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This is what real life Superbowl party hosting is like. Tay Tay banter included..  First you prep for the big event by spending hundreds of dollars on food that only half will be eaten. You know this going in yet still tell yourself that the more food the better. This is for 20 people Just prior to the Kickoff , words of Taylor Swift already begin. Kids continue to ask if Taylor will be performing.  Some of the adults will be yelling because they lost the “will she show up for the Superbowl or not” bet. Kickoff starts and you realize that someone named blah blah has already won the Bonus 0-0 payout in your Superbowl box pool that you dropped a hundred on. You say hmmmm and already start having conspiracy theories as its someone who is related to the person running the pool.  End of the 1 st draws near . Its only been an hour since the company has arrived and already the food that was beautifully prepared and presented is n
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Quarantine Day 23: My epic bike ride fail

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#1 Dad Teacher breaks super cool Dad of the Year award, breaks the Internet and almost breaks his body. 

Yesterday I fixed an old school mountain bike that is at least 20 yrs old. Its been sitting in my garage literally being thrown around probably sobbing at night when the lights are off and the toys and other things come alive. Lately, I have been doing the same.  During “recess”, I have been going outside and doing killer mountain man workouts with my new hairy face blasting rap music introducing my kids to really bad words and pissing off my neighbors all at once. And as I have been getting straight up Zombie-jacked, my Kids have been riding their bikes around me and the nearby streets taking a break from yelling and crying.



I had the idea to finally fix my bike so I can ride around with the Kids like every Dad does in the movies. Ya know the movies where families can go outside and be around other people. That old life. So I fixed the chain, brakes, wheels and tubes and I must say was dam proud of myself.  Before this, I was only able to replace a lightbulb and install a dimmer for our lights. Today we took that sucker for its first ride with my kids as I wore a #1 Dad smile stamped across my hairy lips. 

After my killer leg workout, and pissing off the neighbors with loud rap cursing out of my garage, I jumped on my bike and we took a little ride around the neighborhood . The older Child rides her bike. The younger rides her scooter and slays it like Hansel from Zoolander. 

Minutes in I start showing off to the kids by jumping up and off curbs. I start to get cocky and try to do wheelies and realize that I’m riding a mountain bike that I bought at Sports Authority 20 yrs ago for like 300 bucks and weighs more than me. I stop. 



10 minutes in I get the urge to show off again.  I head over to a small driveway and jump the hump. In that moment,  I am airborne. Free as a bird. Wind hitting my face. Kids in awe behind me. Whoaaaaa I hear as Daddy is high in the sky like an X-Games guy. Within that split second I feel like the coolest Dad in the entire world. I decide to turn the wheel and kick my leg out.  Whoaaaaa, i hear from behind me still somehow in the air. I land. Everyone claps. Apparently a crowd had formed. Who is this PeeWee Herman dorky Dad riding this giant bike and performing these amazing tricks!  My Kids yell “THATS OUR DADDY!!!!”  I smile and take it all in.  Then I wake up. 



Here is what really happened. I jumped that little driveway hump alright. I got about 2 inches off the ground and leaned forward too much, flipped over the handlebars and landed on my shoulder. Instead of my kids cheering me on, I hear immediate sounds of “OMG, DADDY YOU OK!!” I think my 7yr old is about to have a panic attack as her Daddy just fucking wiped out on a mountain bike.  A neighbor wearing a mask looks over at me and asks if I’m ok. I get up immediately and laugh. “Yeah. So much for showing off.”  I laugh again. The man asks again “You sure your ok”. Its then i realize my finger is dripping blood.  I laugh “Yeahhh I’m fine.”, trying to get away from the masked man as he approaches me thinking my open wound is an entry portal for Coronavirus.  I get back on my bike and ride away, children chasing me, blood dripping down my arm. 



“Ya see Kids, Daddy taught you what not to do on your bikes!” I try to teach them a lesson as my finger is dripping plasma that can be used to save lives rather than blanket the ground with my sorrow and destroyed ego.  “Daddy got right back up.” I realize how stupid that sounds as I am bleeding and possibly hurt and telling the kids to just get up and brush it off.  Parenting at its best. 

After all that i have a slight cut on my finger that has 2 Star Wars bandaids on it.  One of Hans Solo and one of Rey. I think if they ever flipped over the handlebars of their cool Star Wars floating bikes in a galaxy far away and have their egos destroyed forever.  The cool thing is I have some road rash on my arm and bicep which will look bad ass when it slightly scabs and I workout with my Mountain Man beard in my driveway blasting Everybody Hurts from REM slightly tearing as I think back to the “fall of my coolest Dad Teacher ever” award. 



My finger is bleeding on the keyboard as I type this. Can I go back to the office yet?

Godspeed 

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