This is what real life Superbowl party hosting is like. Tay Tay banter included..
First you prep for the big event by spending hundreds of dollars on food that only half will be eaten. You know this going in yet still tell yourself that the more food the better.
This is for 20 people
Just prior to the Kickoff, words of Taylor Swift already begin. Kids continue to ask if Taylor will be performing. Some of the adults will be yelling because they lost the “will she show up for the Superbowl or not” bet.
Kickoff starts and you realize that someone named blah blah has already won the Bonus 0-0 payout in your Superbowl box pool that you dropped a hundred on. You say hmmmm and already start having conspiracy theories as its someone who is related to the person running the pool.
End of the 1st draws near. Its only been an hour since the company has arrived and already the food that was beautifully prepared and presented is now in dishevels. Chip crumbs parade your table and floors. Juice boxes from the kids are half filled scattered like toy army men waiting to be stepped on. Cheesy streams of nacho-ness form long lines across your dining room table. Chants of “who the *beep* is {fill in name} and “this is rigged” start to fill the room referring to the box pool that every man seems to be involved in.
Second quarter starts. You have gotten past the fact that you did not win any money so far and now start playing the math game of how it is possible to get your score by the end of the first half. You tell others that 2 safeties, a missed extra point and a field goal, and you got this! Somehow you really believe this to be true. Meanwhile, the children are now on cocaine sugar highs running around like they are Home Alone.
Second quarter comes to an end. You did not win and you try to forget it by blaming {name your President}. Desert is now served. You did this knowing that tomorrow is Monday -- a work day -- and you want these people out asap.
Half-time starts. All the Moms are suddenly by the TV wondering if Usher will show his abs. All the kids are in the room waiting for Taylor Swift to appear (she wont) shoveling deserts down their throats and all over my carpet. All the Dads are refilling their favorite beverages and eating 1/3 of the food that will not be eaten. Remember i said we should have only gotten 50 wings is mentally said to my wife.
Second half starts. All the Men in the room are now rethinking their choice of food and beverage and suddenly have a new urge to take up pilates and get back to the gym in attempt to match what they saw Usher showing off on his stomach. The Ladies leave the room and go back to do what Ladies do together when they are all together (men will never understand this)
Middle of the 3rd quarter you realize you are not going to win a single thing. You begin to curse Travis Kelce and Mahomes and start yelling something about a conspiracy that the game was rigged by Taylor and friends to get more ratings and albums sold (even typing that does not make sense).
3rd quarter ends. You didn’t win, again. Kids are now overly hyper from the thousands of calories of sugar they put in their bodies. They wont stop talking about Taylor Swift and still wonder who the heck is Usher. The Men in the room get reminded of Usher and again feel terrible about what they are putting into their bodies. As a result they take another swig of said beverage in pity.
4th quarter starts. For the next 45 min (supposedly 15 min in football time) every Man in the room begins to map out every single way possible that they can win in their pool. They are texting people this. They are saying it out loud along with others. They are telling their kids. Everyone is suddenly Aristotle speaking of impossible formulas and potential “ifs” and “thats”. The children are now coming down from their sugar high. The whining starts. You tell them Taylor Swift will show up to shut them up. Then…
The final seconds come. You did not win. You cannot win…. Unless.. they can somehow score a TD, go for 2 pt conversion, get the ball back on an onside kick and run it all the way back (is that even possible) for a TD .. all with 5 seconds left. One of the guys in the room tells us that his sisters husbands co-worker just won 10k. Nobody cares but pretends they do.
Game over. You did not win. Taylor did not show. Kelce did not propose. Nobody cares. Nobody helps clean. Everyone bails. You are now cleaning the mess of the 30+ people who invaded your home to watch a dumb football game. And you are hammered. You say to your spouse while cleaning that this is the last year we will host. Yet you know you still will and it will be just as bad.
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| this was captured 5 years ago when the children actually cared |
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