Today I learned that I may be the Worst Dad to an unathletic kid ever. I thought I had already won this title back in May when the Kids had virtual field day which was a hoot. I learned then that my Children are the worst athletes on the Planet and their Father is to blame.
Today, it happened again. This time it was Badminton.
Somehow around April or May of this year something extraordinary happened and its not at all related to COVID stealing our dreams and ruining our work from home Fridays one family at a time. 2 things slowly started making their rounds around my neighborhood: Bikes and Badminton.
I swear its like Pee Wee Herman and Friends around my neighborhood around 6pm. There are bikes everywhere and they dont stop. Its like the bikes have a mind of their own and will ride you over if you do not move out of their way.
We have concquered the bike. I am quite proud to admit that both Children slaughter bikes. I think I can take credit for this. Probably when I fell and bled all over my self and the ground while running away from a COVID zombie, did it scare the Children enough to learn to ride a bike and not jump curbs like Cru Jones trying to win HellTrack. You can read all about that here.
But Badminton we did not win and I learned that today.
We have a wooden paddle set that we got from God knows where in our garage that has not seen daylight in forever. Only recently have we dusted the paddle and shuttlecock (yes, thats the name for the feather ball you hit) and brought it out of our Island of Misfit Toys to be played with. I slowly lower my head when discussing the next part.
It was a couple days ago.. I went to go talk to a friend down the street while the Kids played Badminton with the Wife. At first I thought my Wife was fooling around and then I realized she was not. She is just very awful at Badminton. My Kids are even worse. I looked away and continued to walk to my neighbors blocking out this memory forever.
But then it returned today. As I was preparing for my 1pm call, I heard the kids outside playing. I looked to see in The Shining-esque horror, my Kids attempting to play Badminton.
"Come on Ellie" the older Child giggles.
"Im trying Ava" the younger one laughs back. Its like a Ren and Stimpy skit.
I wince in pain as I see my beautiful 6 year old doing this jump thing as she tries to "serve" it to her sister. I was not sure if my Daughter was having a seizure or doing some kinda voodo magic dance. It was awful. The shuttlecock was flying high above her. She even hit herself in the face a couple times. I am still not sure how she was able to do this. To make it worse, she was still wearing her bike helmet which made her look even more rediculous. I mind talked to my Wife.
"Are our Children adopted somehow? Did you somehow trick me into thinking these are my Children?"
"Oh Honey. They are amazing... just like you"
Bahhhh.. I hang up our telekinetic discussion, bite down hard and clench my teeth, close my eyes and make my way outside. Aint no way in Hell am I going to let my Children play Badminton like this.
"Give me that shuttlecock. Let me show you how its done". Can you imagine I actually called it a shuttlecock. I would like to think my Children would just look at me clueless and not have any idea what I am talking about. I rephrase in my mind before I speak.
"OMG. Ellie, please give me the paddle and ball" (Ball is more like it)
We then rehearse. I swear I hear neighbors whispering from their windows. I can see the squirrels covering their eyes. The birds are speaking to each other to get the hell over to the Bart's street and watch this. The entire town is quiet. Everyone is watching.. at least in my mind.
I showed her some hand-eye coordination. She continued to jump for no reason while swinging the paddle. One time she hit herself in the head. Now I know why she was wearing the helment. Smart! The shuttlecock never went anywhere at all near her sister. Instead it went backwards, sideways, above her. But never forward.
After 6 minutes of stress, she did not get it. The older Child is being all cocky making fun of her until she then goes to serve the shuttlecock and its just slightly better. Mind you.. both Children are better than my Wife. I start to wonder if they named Bad-minton after my Kids trying to play Minton!
I can add "how to teach your kids Badminton" to my already dusty collection of how tos. But, they can both ride bikes. BOOM! Nailed it. Best Dad of the year. In the meantime, I am thinking of starting a YouTube channel called "Hitting the Shuttlecock with the Bart's".
Godspeed
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