At 8:41am, a minute after the start of virtual school, yelling started. It only took 1 dam minute.
"My microphone still does not work!" is screamed at us from the other side of the house. We had microphone issues with my the Older Child's Chromebook yesterday and her cool Dad, aka me, was not able to fix. Now I am paying for it.
"Ok. Let me have a look.. again." I walk over and as I approach I get the look of death. Apparently she is in class right now. My face and 1992 haircut possibly was visible on her webcam and I guess that is sooo not cool. Great. Cant wait till shes 12.
After 3 eyerolls and some shade thrown at me, I retreat out of the room reminding myself that its only the second day of school and that I will not yell every 30-45 seconds as I did the last time we did this 3 months ago resulting in 4 years of my life removed.
Around noon is when her virtual classroom is over. (that just sounds so wrong) I make my way downstairs and see my Wife on our Daughter's computer. I run over and grab it out of her hands like as if the computer is infected with COVID. I think I even scowled at her. The reality is I am fearing that she may be able to figure this out and not me. I quickly review the computer settings and do a restart. The mic still does not work. I feel somewhat deflated and refuse to have my Wife look at it as there is a real possibility she will figure it out and that will bother me until the day I die of COVID-28.
This is a loaner computer that we got from our School. Those reading this that know me and know where I live are like Whaaatttt.. how did you get a computer. Im Danny F'ing Bart. Thats how.
Because its a loaner I had to put a help desk ticket in with IT. Coming from IT, I know firsthand this is going to take at least 3 months. I sigh and mindspeak to my Wife. "Teacher's Lounge?". No response. Dam internet.
We break the news to my Daughter that she will not be able to use her new Chromebook and have to use her iPad until this issue is fixed. You would think that her Mom and Dad just told her that they are not from America but really from Russia and work as KGB spies. She lost her mind. To make it worse, her iPad is not charged. She will have to use my Wife's for an hour.
"What do you mean I cant use my computer. I dont want to use Mommy's!" Crying starts and doesnt stop. I start to say "are you really crying over .." but stop myself remembering that she is only 8 and that there is a real possibility this virtual shit will last another year. I need to save my energy. Plus she will be a tween soon and I need to save myself. I walk away. Something old Danny from March 2020 has taught me to do. My blood pressure thanks me later.
Sounds of Emily Rose being executed escape the dining room and flood into the other rooms in the house. I swear I heard Father Damien chanting 'The power of Christ compels you' . Either that or it was my Wife mindspeaking how goddam handsome I am. Not sure. Neighbors walking by crane their heads to get a peak into the madness to see what in Gods good name is going on. Ahhh. Virtual learning is in session is probably what they think and walk away.
Finally she gives in. For the next hour I can hear her "classroom" because why would she wear her headphones. Oh, thats right. They are broken. Shit. We really didnt prepare too well for this.
When school ended, she was tasked to do an assignment which required her to use a text editor to make a quilt based on her feelings. I expected to see all demons and devils. But instead there were beautful polka dots and rainbows; even some puppy dogs. Awwww, I thought. I politely told her that instead of hitting the space bar a few times to center the text, you can just click the center justify button. Its simple. But simple does not exist in 8yr old girl world. God forbid you tell them how to do something.
She ignores us and we ignore her and laugh as she spends another hour doing something that would take literally 5 minutes.
What kind of beer am I having later?
178 more days...
Godspeed.
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